England: South East

We had to visit Stonehenge. It was in National Lampoon’s European Vacation after all.

Lonely bird

It was pretty cool but the Ring of Brodgar was better because you could get closer – the viewing distance lessened the experience a bit.

Flight

Brighton was an awesome city and one that I hope we can make it back to before we leave the country. The pebble beach was at least nicer than the concrete steps at Blackpool.

Pebbles

There was a good collection of unusual characters around too.

Come on Philip, let's hunt for TREASURE!

The best part of Brighton was the inner city. There is a lot of cool grafitti here including some stuff by Banksy (now under perspex).

Kissing coppers

There is also a lot of aerosol art around.

Catrabbit

We had a look at the toy museum which was pretty interesting, containing classic Sooty and Punch and Judy puppets.

No match for Punch

There was also a huge collection of model railway figures and toy soldiers.

Ten-shun!

The comical appearance of a sausage dog never ceases to amuse me.

Walk the line

Brighton had some great shopping too. Too bad that we have weight limits for our cases or I could go nuts.

We stayed at the Beddingham YHA which wasn’t much chop. It was probably the worst in being the most unfriendly and run down. We were only there for a few nights though.

After that we took a quick peek at the white cliffs of Dover, listened to some amusing old-man-speak in the local Wetherspoon and headed back to London.

They're white alright

Once we had returned our now filthy car we checked back into the hostel at Shepherd’s Bush and tried to figure out how we were going to get rid of the unfeasibly large amount of crap we had accumulated over six weeks.

England: South West

Newquay had some excellent beaches although the weather wasn’t the best. Well, it was raining. It was quite surreal to see whole families playing on the sand in the pouring rain, squeezed into their wetsuits and determined to have a beachside holiday.

Nice beach weather

The main beach was really cool with lots of different areas to explore.

Feeling a bit crabby

There were mussels everywhere, forming interesting patterns on the rocks.

Fish bone and mussels

Newquay its self was pretty colourful, definitely a surf/party town and full of tourists.

Colour on a dreary day

We stopped at Land’s End although stopped short at entering the western most tip because, once again, we were too cheap to pay the entry fee. There was lots of good surf there so we kicked back, ate some more scones with clotted cream and watched the surfers for a while.

Penzance was another quaint little town but again, very touristy. We arrived at low tide when most of the boats had been beached and narrowly missed a roast dinner (as is always the case).

Low tide

The Penzance YHA had been recently renovated and was pretty fancy so it didn’t have the “staying the weekend at Grandma’s house” atmosphere of most of the others. There were a million screaming kids as usual but at least we got free wifi (the best kind).

Bath was way too crowded; we couldn’t even get a parking space. After we had crawled through it for the umpteenth time with all the others we opted to just turn around and leave. Unfortunately we didnt get to see the Roman baths.

Bristol was a case of massive fail; we went there for the Banksy exhibition but by the time we got there at 10 it was a 5 hour wait so we turned around and buggered off. Probably didn’t help that it was the last day of the exhibition.

After an overnight stay in Salcombe, we headed off towards Brighton.

Wales

We didn’t spend a lot of time in Wales. Most of the time was driving through the mountains although we did spend the night in picturesque Pwll Deri. The YHA in this remote spot is right on the cliffs with beautiful views.

Pretty

We stayed at Nos Da hostel in Cardiff which is one of the nicest I’ve seen. Very well set out and modern.

Cardiff was a great city although we didn’t go into the castle because we were too cheap. No photos because I was too slack.

My main impression of Wales is of perplexing dual language street signs and a severe shortage of vowels. Seems like a beautiful part of the UK though and it was a shame we didn’t get to spend more time there.

England: North West

We started our descent back into England, favouring YHA hostels over camping. We stopped overnight in Kendal and didn’t even try one of the famed mint cakes. Luckily I was able to steal..err…utilise wifi from the cafe next door.

Against the insistence of many, we also went through Blackpool.

Rollercoaster...of looove

It was just as garish as people had described but worth a look. Tacky decorations line the streets and the piers are full of bleeping noises and flashing lights. We didn’t get to see it at night, I’m sure it would have been a pretty cool sight though.

A giant bean

One thing I don’t understand are the concrete steps. Is this the “beach” or is there actually sand somewhere?

Leave your bucket and spade at home

We stood a while and watched this odd little dog that was perched on top of a carriage. It wouldn’t let anyone else near.

Carriage guard

After our whirlwind visit of Blackpool we were back on the open road and on our way to Wales.

Blue skies and an open road

Scotland: Edinburgh

Edinburgh was a great city. We spent nearly ten days there which was much longer than we expected. Vanessa had hurt her back and it was a good chance to sleep in a real bed and get to a physio.

We stayed with our adoptive Scottish family in Inverkeithing who we met while staying in the caravan park just outside of Leeds. These guys took us in, treated us like part of their family and put us up for nearly two weeks. Chris even gave up his bed so Vanessa didn’t have to sleep on the floor. Truly lovely people and we hope they get to visit us in Australia so we can look after them just as well.

The Cubitts

We managed to get out to quite a few Fringe festival shows which was awesome. It’s a great event, plenty of cheap or free shows and always something on. The royal mile is always bustling.

The royal mile

There is a host of street performers, from the traditional

Piping hot

To the not so traditional. Elaine Davis is aparently the world’s most pierced woman and isn’t very fond of airport security.

Beep beep beep

There was a steady stream of odd characters constantly on display.

No comment

No wonder he's stumbling - no depth perception

Sans-eyeball

The highlight was easily Rhys Darby, most widely known as Murray from Flight of the Conchords. I have never laughed so hard. Each one of his characters are gold. Rich Hall was also great, dealing with repeated heckling with the true skill of a grizzled pro.

The free shows also had some really good talent, especially Jay Foreman. Every song on his CD is a gem. Check out Stealing Food or Moon Chavs.

How Do I Get Up There? are a sketch comedy trio that destined for good things. If they haven’t been offered TV or something else, they should be. Great absurdist humour with a tinge of darkness.

We took a tour of the extensive vaults underneath Edinburgh with Mercat tours. The vaults had a pretty rich history, including being used by bodysnatchers Burke and Hare.

The modern art museum had a lot of great stuff, including a few Damian Hirst works.

Edinburgh Zoo was pretty good too with the highlight being the penguin parade. The keepers open the gate and allow them to go for a wander through along the path.

Mr Green steps out

There was also a baby pygmy hippo which was very cute. Not sure I’d like to face it when it grew up though.

Cute

Otters are a perrenial favourite of mine.

Basking in the sun

Edinburgh was a fantastic experience. Great friends and an awesome time at the Fringe.

Scotland: Glasgow

We only spent about a day in Glasgow, Vanessa had hurt her back and we were keen to get to Edinburgh. We went to visit the Kelvingrove museum which had quite a few interesting exhibits.

The King

One of the main foyers has a sea of floating heads, all with different expressions. You could walk all around it to see every different face, all hung at varying heights.

Floating heads

Vanessa had some cosmetic surgery. It was really cheap and if you ever decide you don’t like it, all you have to do is put it down.

Nosejob

We even saw a real haggis in its natural habitat. It looked a little like the offspring of Rod Stewart and a chicken. PERHAPS IT WAS?

Tasty

And for what wasn’t the first time, I experienced some classic Windows kiosk FAIL.

FAIL

We also checked out the People’s Palace which had, among other things, Billy Connolly’s banana boots. There was a pretty interesting history of Glasgow here, it sounded like a city that had been through some tough times.

We camped at Strathclyde, just out of Glasgow. This was by far the cheapest camping ground we’d stayed at and the facilities weren’t too bad. There was even a dodgy amusement park nearby. I continued my binge on Irvine Welsh novels, I think I ended up reading five in all. With no power or Internet there wasn’t much else to do.

Wheee

We went to the Amazon world thing at the amusement park. These things seem to be pretty popular here, we visited one in Leeds as well.

Marmoset

There were a lot of koi carp. I wouldn’t like to put my hand in there, the way they swarm when going for food reminds me of a pack of piranhas.

Feeding frenzy

The highlight was definitely the toucans. Most of them had some degree of beak damage but were pretty content tucking into the fruit they had there.

All beak

The way they pick off a grape using just the tip of their beak, tilt their head back and then let it roll down their gullet never ceases to be interesting.

Wait for it...

Scotland: Western Highlands

We blasted through most of the western highlands as it contained mainly winding, narrow roads, green mountains and sheep. The sheep were everywhere and seemed to enjoy a pretty idyllic life as far as sheeping goes. They pretty much roamed free and were surrounded by green grass. There was even the opportunity to jump out at passing motorists.

What are you looking at?

We occasionally saw the odd highland cow as well. They are like a regular cow except too cool for a short back and sides.

Hairy cow

We came across and old lady advertising smoked salmon and stopped in to buy some. It was probably the best I’ve ever tasted. We drove straight past a cheese factory; I’ve never seen Vanessa slam the brakes so hard. I was expecting her to go the handbrake turn right around the corner, Dukes of Hazzard style.

We stayed overnight at the Sands caravan park. I wondered why the dining area was called the dining “shelter”. When dusk came, I found out. The place was infested with these little bastard flies, commonly known as midges. They were absolutely everywhere, even in the shelter. I think “shelter” just means there are less of them in there. I escaped with my life but not unscathed, they feasted apon my legs something chronic.

The next stop was Fort William, near Ben Nevis. We got up early and took a trip out the to Glenfinnan viaduct, the very same featured in the Harry Potter movies.

Here comes the Hogwarts Express

This was great except that the wet grass was a perfect environment for more midges. I was wearing shorts and thongs (or flipflops if you prefer) and after that experience I was more midge bite than man. I was actually standing on a rock, waiting for the train to come because it was the only place I could escape being savaged.

On the way back and barefoot, I stood in something that I don’t think was produced by an animal (unless it had been eating corn kernels). I consoled myself with a paddle in the creek afterwards.

Trying to add leech bites to the list

I was also constantly amazed by the size of the slugs in the UK. They are massive. This little chap was probably going to move in once the midges had taken their fill.

Mr Slug rocks out

We also visited Neptune’s staircase, which if you like lochs, I’m sure would be a mindblowing experience.

A lot of lochs

Scotland: Northern Highlands

As we reached the top of Scotland, we based ourselves in Dunnet Bay. This was a pretty nice caravan park, right on the beach with some beautiful views.

Sunrays

The beach was great, especially if you like flying kites.

Tracks

When the wind came out, it was time to duck and cover. Our tent copped a flogging and the poles were never the same. At night I thought we might lift up and go floating off into the ocean. The lighter patches in the photo below are gusts of sand, moving about rather rapidly in the aformentioned wind.

Rapidly moving sand patches

When the sun came out and the wind went away, the beach was a great place to be. I still wouldn’t swim there though; the water was freezing.

While in Dunnet Bay we encountered our second and third airbed failure. Luckily this time we had kept the receipts so it was a simple case of changing it at Tesco. Maybe it was trying to use it as a trampoline that made it fail. I think it was just shoddy workmanship.

From Dunnet Bay it was relatively easy to get to John O’ Groats, the northern-most tip. This was mainly a tourist trap with a love-hate relationship with the customers and overpriced pay toilets.

From here we took a ferry to Stroma, a small island which is now largely deserted (except for a few people and some seals).

Stroma lighthouse

Vanessa was hoping to spot an elusive Puffin but was mostly let down. There were a few flying above the water in the distance but we had just missed the nesting season.

The ferry ride was quite funny. For some reason, lots of people had brought their dogs. The ferry didn’t actually stop (it just did a loop around the island and came back) so I don’t really understand what was in it for canine passengers. They pretty much just skittered around on the deck and shivered.

We also took a ferry to the Orkney Islands, which was a great day out. We took a bus trip around Scapa Flow which was the main British naval base in both world wars and is the site where the German fleet was scuttled.

Orkney also has a lot of ancient archeological sites like Skara Brae, Europe’s most complete Neolithic village. Apparently it was buried under a lot of sand and then one day after some fierce winds it just appeared. The village is amazingly preserved and would make a fantastic minature golf course.

Par 4

Orkney also has the Ring of Brogdar. No, it isn’t a film from the eighties starring Arnold Schwarzenegger but in fact a henge, like Stonehenge.

Standing near the standing stones

I was amazed at the grafitti on the stones, some of it was very old. Compared to the age of the stones though (over four thousand years) it was nothing.

Master. D.M Broad esq. woz ere - 1859

There’s also an Italian chapel built by prisoners of war during World War II.

Goin' to the chapel and we're....gonna get....interred in a POW camp

Leaving Dunnet Bay, we passed through the ruins of Ardvreck castle which was unique in that it was free to enter.

Mmmmm...free ruins

We also stopped at the amusingly-named Smoo cave, near Durness.

Smoo cave beach

We took a boat tour of the cave, which is enormous.

Drip drip

There were so many beautiful, white, sandy beaches in the northern highlands. I can’t imagine swimming in any of them though, even at that time of year the water would have been freezing.

Beautiful but deadly

Scotland: Central Highlands

Feeling nostalgic for a bit of stinky, steamtrain action, we took a trip through Cairngorm national park.

Choo choooo

It was pretty authentic. There was even a gruff, soot covered engineer. I felt like Ringo Starr should have been narrating in the background.

The real deal

There wasn’t really much to see on the way, Vanessa even had a little nap. The train was cool though.

Nap time

We based ourselves at a camping ground just out of Inverness in Dingwall. We attempted our second disposable BBQ experiment, this time with more success.

I feel a lot of anxiety when cooking a disposable BBQ. There’s one shot at it, if you don’t time it properly and get it all right up front then you are screwed. In this sense the disposable BBQ is the Waterfall of the grilling world. I prefer an approach where you can always chuck the steak back on the hotplate if it is too pink.

As you can see though, Vanessa was in her element – comandeering a disposable BBQ just as efficiently as a real one.

Everybody cook or the sausage gets it!

Here we  also experienced our first airbed failure. Early in the morning I heard a rrrrptt…phwoosh noise. It wasn’t just the after effects of the BBQ either. With that, the Argos airbed hit the bin and an £8 replacement was procured from Tesco.

Oh Tesco, our saviour. We went to Tesco pretty much every day, mainly because we had no means of refrigeration. I think we would have camped in Tesco if we could get away with it. It would have been like Dawn of the Dead, except without zombies. So not nearly as cool in that sense.

We took the obligatory trip over Loch Ness. No sign of the monster. I was genuinely disappointed.

No monster

We also took a trip out to the Black Isle Brewery. I love checking out smaller microbreweries, they always have something a bit different. The oatmeal stout was my favourite.

On the way out there we came across a friendly cow that we dubbed Daisy. She was very quick with the tongue when you got close enough. Daisy may or may not have been her real name.

Daisy

Scotland: North East

The north east of Scotland was picturesque with a lot of little fishing towns.

The first stop was Cruden Bay. The camping ground was basically a gigantic swamp. You couldn’t walk around in shoes, they would become instantly soaked. You couldn’t walk around in thongs (flip flops for the non Australian readership), they would constantly spray water up your back. That was unless you walked as if you were attempting to polish a wooden floor with cloths attached to your soles. The only real solution was to walk around barefoot. It was also my first experience with pay showers – they are a real penny pinching attempt and from that point onwards we didn’t stay at any place that had them.

We found a great little pub in the town. There was a bit of a Deliverance moment when we walked into the main bar. If there had have been a piano (or set of bagpipes?) playing at that moment, I’m sure it would have stopped. We found a quiet spot out the back and settled in for some free wireless. The waitress was really helpful and we spent a few hours there uploading photos and otherwise sating our Internet addiction.

It was here I had the first and best Cullen skink, a creamy fish soup. We also stopped at Cullen Bay, birthplace of the dish but the one I had there though was altogether way too creamy.